‘you do not understand me, you do not love me,

by super

The story..met up with a childhood friend after a long time. I’m married, have kid, she is married has kid. Somehow bumped into each other on net after ages. Started chatting, lots of catching up kind of stuff. Used to chat once or twice a week, which changed to daily for few mins, then shared numbers. Called up few times each other. Started talking anything and everything, life, past,present,future and then started about personal issues, sort of became a daily call routine, to catch up on where we left yesterday. Started getting more personal and attached. She had her share of issues and emotional baggage, I’d my own.

Although we both were going great with our spouses before we met. But I guess the sheer thrill of crossing the boundaries took over us. Oh did I mention we live in different cities. So we hadnt even met in person for the first few months. Finally I bit the bullet and traveled to her city on pretext of business. We were so desperately looking forward to meet in person, and btw we never spoke of getting any physical closeness during all this time. It was all flirting and complimenting and sweet talks. So finally we meet in person, and one thing leads to another, we hugged, looked each other in eyes, sort of those childhood memories flooded over, felt extremely comforting in each others arms, and then we kissed, and then as they say rest was history. We shared absolutely thrilling time with each other for 2 days, she had to get out of house on some pretext to meet me on both those days. When I left, we both had tears in our eyes, kind of like leaving behind someone you love, but we never uttered the words. Only thing we did say to each other was we’ll be together in each other’s lives for good. Once I reached back, I became more attached to her, and she to me. We went on with our lives with our families, but the daily calls, the sweet talks, lovey-dovey stuff became the routine.

Now while all this was going there was that constant fear in me that somehow my wife would get a hint of all this, you know they say women can smell cheats. Yes the word ‘cheater’ finally hit like a nail in the head. Going through those times I did the usual stuff, became extra careful of my phone, call records, messages, rushing out of the house on one pretext or the other to talk to ‘her’ for a few mins. There was this constant presence of ‘her’ in my daily life, even if I was with my wife. I would sort of dream of ‘her’, see ‘her’, or visualize ‘her’ in everything around me. My marital life didnt suffer as such, I made sure that none of this would affect my attitude towards my kid, and wife, and my routine. But you’ve no idea about the guilt trip, the fear, the thrill, the longing one goes through. It was like I was caught between rediscovering myself and looking back at what I was. ‘She’ was going through the same thing. ‘She’ genuinely confessed to be totally in love with me, and used to cry over phone, missing me, needing me. This made me travel back to her city couple of times, to meet ‘her’. We used to spend amazing time with each other when together, emotionally and physically. This went on for nearly over a year. But the guilt-trip which I’d gone through was perhaps lurking in ‘her’ mind as well someplace deep.

Slowly we started to argue about petty issues over phone, from not picking up her phone when she called, because I was with family, to not trying to understand her pain and emotions at me not being around her when she wanted. These issues became sort of topics of daily arguments. Both of us used to have bad days at office and home because of these episodes. I tried my best to convince her that there was no love lost on my side, but she had a different mindset of her own. She slowly started convincing herself that she made a huge mistake with me, and I could never understand her.

Finally all hell broke loose one day when she finally said the words..’you do not understand me, you do not love me, and I have made a huge mistake in putting you over my husband who has been on my side since years’. Well although I felt betrayed, I felt sick to the bones, I felt that rage of emotions through me, but the fact was, I could not be by her side. Could I leave my family for her? No..Would she do the same?..No. And then she asked me to not contact her anymore after that. I gave her my word on that. I removed all her contacts, never tried to contact her.

Its been nearly a year now. I’ve no idea how she is. Although she is on social media, and I do check on her, and I have a gut feeling that she does on me too. Its been a very rough time for me emotionally, I do miss her, but then I have kept myself very strong and not let my feelings affect my family life and/or work. Many a times I have thought of calling her just to hear her voice, to ask her well being, because for me it was always above just physical closeness, I felt deeply connected to her. I am living each day as it comes, and just wonder what will be my reaction if we ever cross paths again.

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